7 Things Men First Notice in a Woman

I've coached women on dating since 2013, and I've worked with hundreds of thousands of them. One question comes up more than almost any other.

"What is he actually noticing about me?"

Here's the honest answer…

A man makes up his mind about you fast. Most of it happens in the first few minutes, long before you've said anything that matters. And what he's noticing has very little to do with your outfit or your hair.

There are 7 things. Some of them will surprise you. Let's go through them, and then I'll show you the part that matters most.

Before he hears a word you say, he reads your ease. Are you settled, or are you bracing?

A woman who's at home in herself sits differently. She laughs without checking his face first. She lets a pause sit there without rushing to fill it.

Men notice that ease more than anything else in the first five minutes. It reads as confidence, and confidence is the thing men describe most when they talk about a woman they couldn't stop thinking about.

You don't have to fake it. You just have to stop performing, which is easier when you're not treating the date as a test you have to pass.

This one's simple and men mention it constantly. He notices whether you actually look at him, and whether your smile reaches your eyes.

A real smile is warm. A polite one is closed. Men can tell the difference even when they can't explain it.

Eye contact does something else too. It tells him you're present with him, not somewhere in your head planning what to say next. Most men find that far more attractive than anything you could plan.

Somewhere in the first conversation, you'll mention someone. A friend, a coworker, an ex.

He's listening to how you do it.

If every person in your stories is a villain, he quietly files that away. He's wondering how he'll show up in your stories a year from now.

If you can talk about a bad ex with some grace, or laugh about a friend without tearing her down, he notices that too. It tells him you're safe to be close to.

And here's a tip. The same rule works in reverse, and it's one of the fastest ways to read a man. I'll come back to that.

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There's a difference between a woman who's curious about a man and a woman who's trying to win him.

The first one asks questions because she wants to know the answers. The second one asks questions to keep him talking so he'll like her.

Men feel the difference within minutes. Curiosity is attractive. Auditioning is exhausting, and worse, it hands him the job of judge before he's earned it.

A good man wants to be interesting to you. He doesn't want to grade you. When you show up curious instead of anxious, you flip the whole dynamic without saying a word.

Old advice, and still true. He watches how you treat the people who can't do anything for you.

Are you warm with the server? Patient when the order's wrong? Do you say thank you like you mean it?

Men read kindness to strangers as a preview of how you'll treat him once the newness wears off. It's one of the most reliable signals he has, and most women don't know he's looking.

Keep this one in your back pocket, since you should be watching for exactly the same thing in him.

Almost every man tests a woman early, even if he doesn't know he's doing it. He shows up ten minutes late. He teases you a little too hard. He suggests something that's a bit much for a first date.

He's watching what you do with it.

If you laugh it off when it wasn't funny, or go along with something you didn't want, he learns something about where your line is. If you handle it lightly and hold your ground, he learns something else.

A good man relaxes when he sees you have a line. It tells him you'll be honest with him. The other kind of man notices the same thing and quietly loses interest, which is exactly what you want him to do.

This is the one that costs women the most, and almost nobody talks about it.

He notices how quickly you start doing relationship-level things. Rearranging your week for him. Texting first every time. Cooking for him on date three. Explaining away the things he does that bother you.

A good man sees it and feels a little uneasy, since he hasn't earned it yet. He'd rather work for it.

The wrong man sees it and feels great. It's the thing he was looking for.

You don't have to become cold. You just don't have to give relationship effort to a man who's still a stranger. Let him earn it, and watch what he does when he has to.

The Part That Matters Most: He's Not the Only One Who Gets to Decide

Here's what I really want you to take from this.

Every one of those 7 things is a signal a man reads in the first conversation. He's making a decision about you, fast, and he's usually right.

So why do so many smart women get it wrong about him?

Because the wrong man knows he's being read. A player's entire skill set is the first six weeks. He's rehearsed the charm, the eye contact, the way he makes you feel like the only woman in the room. The available man hasn't rehearsed anything. He's just being himself, and he makes a quieter first impression.

When you go by how it feels, you unknowingly pick the man with the most practice. That's why it keeps ending the same way with a different name.

The women I've watched break that cycle did one thing differently. They read him while he was reading them. A few ordinary questions early, before the chemistry got loud, and one specific thing to listen for in each answer.

Nothing that felt like an interview. He answered without noticing anything was happening.

Notice what Elaine did. She was watchful, she knew what a green flag looked like, and she let him pursue. That's the whole thing.

If you'd like to see the questions to ask and exactly what to listen for, I've put it all together for you.

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If you're tired of meeting the same wrong man with a different name, I'd like to show you how to see who he really is by the end of the first conversation, before you've given him your heart.

I've laid out the full method for you. In it, I show you the three questions that expose a time-waster in the first five minutes, what to listen for in each answer, and the quiet green flags that tell you a man is actually going to follow through.

When you're ready, you can see it here.

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