Top 5 Overlooked Dating Red Flags
I've coached women on dating since 2013, and I've worked with hundreds of thousands of them. Every one of them knew the obvious red flags.
He's rude to the waiter. He's still texting his ex. He won't say what he does for a living.
Here's what I've learned about those…
The man who's wrong for you knows the obvious red flags too. He's had practice hiding them, and he can keep them hidden for about six weeks.
The red flags that actually cost women years are the quiet ones. They don't look like warnings. They look like charm, or confidence, or a man who's "just relaxed about things."
There are 5 of them that almost everyone overlooks. Let's go through them.
He's Too Good, Too Fast
This is the one that gets the most women, since it feels like the opposite of a red flag.
He texts good morning on day two. He's planning a weekend away by date three. He says he's never felt like this before, and he's looking at you like he means it.
It feels like being chosen. And that's exactly why it works.
A man who's actually building something with you doesn't need to rush. He's not in a hurry because he's not going anywhere. The man who floors it in week one is usually a man who's done this before, and he knows the intensity fades right around the time you'd start asking real questions.
When it feels like a movie, slow down and watch. Real things tend to start smaller and grow.
He's Never the Problem in His Own Stories
Ask him about his last relationship. Then listen to where he is in the story.
The overlooked red flag is a man who's nowhere in it. She was crazy. She was needy. She changed. He tried everything and she just couldn't appreciate him.
It's easy to miss, since it sounds like he's being open with you. He's telling you all about his past. But look closer. Every person in his life who's gone is a villain, and he's the victim every time.
Here's why it matters. How he talks about the last woman is how he'll talk about you in a year. If he can't see his own part with her, he won't see it with you.
A man worth your time can say "we wanted different things, and I probably should have said so sooner." He's in the story. That's the green light.
He Says He's "Just Going With the Flow"
Ask a man what he's looking for, and listen for this answer. "I'm just seeing where things go." "I'm going with the flow." "I don't like to put labels on things."
It sounds relaxed. Easygoing. Like a man who's not going to pressure you.
What it actually means is that he hasn't chosen anything, and he's telling you so on the first date.
A man who wants something real can describe it. Weekend mornings. Someone to bring to his sister's wedding. Kids or no kids. He's pictured a life, even loosely. The man going with the flow is picturing a feeling, and he'll go with the flow right out of your life when the feeling fades.
Take him at his word when he says it. He's being honest. Most women just hear it as modesty.
There's a specific thing to listen for inside that answer that tells you whether he's ever pictured a life with anyone. I'll show you below.
There's No One in His Life Who's Been There a Long Time
Ask who he calls when something goes badly wrong. Ask about his oldest friend. Ask who he spent last Thanksgiving with.
The overlooked red flag is a man whose answer, once you add it up, is nobody.
No friend from before his twenties. Family he "doesn't really talk to." Every close friendship somehow ended badly, or drifted, or he's "more of a loner."
It can read as independence. Mysterious, even. But a man with no one who's stayed is a man who hasn't learned how to keep people, and you're about to become his entire support system.
I once worked with a woman who fell for a man like this. Six months in, she was his best friend, his therapist, his family, and his only plan on every weekend. She was exhausted and couldn't say why. It was right there in his answer on date one, and nobody had ever told her to listen for it.
The Small Promises Slip
He says he'll text you after his meeting. He texts three hours later with no mention of it. He says he'll call at eight. He calls at ten, breezy, like nothing happened.
None of it is a big deal. That's why it's overlooked.
But small promises are the only ones a man makes in the first few weeks, so they're the only data you have. A man who lets the small ones slip without noticing is showing you how he'll handle the big ones, and he's showing you before you've had a chance to get attached.
The right man does what he says at eight o'clock, and if he can't, he tells you why. It sounds boring. It's the single most reliable thing you can look for.
Sexton Paulina, one of my clients, put it well after she started paying attention to this: "Follow the advice. It's grounded in truth. I can't believe that love finally arrived for me aged 50."
Why These Red Flags Show Up in the First Conversation
Look at the five again.
Too fast. Never the problem in his stories. Going with the flow. No one who's stayed. Small promises slipping.
Every one of them shows up in the first conversation, if you know what to listen for. Four of them come out in his answers to ordinary questions. What happened with the last one. What he's looking for. Who he calls when things go wrong. He'll answer all of them happily over dinner without noticing anything is happening.
That's the part that changes everything. A player's entire skill set is the first six weeks, and the obvious red flags are the ones he's rehearsed hiding. He's not rehearsed for these. They leak out in the answers because he doesn't know they're tells.
The women I've watched break the pattern learned to hear them early. Then they filtered before they fell, and it cost them one evening instead of another year.
J. Allison B.
Notice what Allison said. She already knew the men were wrong. What she needed was to catch it early enough to walk away, and that's a skill you can learn.
If you'd like to see the questions to ask and exactly what to listen for in each answer, I've put it all together for you.
If you're tired of meeting the same wrong man with a different name, I'd like to show you how to see who he really is by the end of the first conversation, before you've given him your heart.
I've laid out the full method for you. In it, I show you the three questions that expose a time-waster in the first five minutes, what to listen for in each answer, and the quiet green flags that tell you a man is actually going to follow through.
When you're ready, you can see it here.
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